


Heart tugging him home

by aucellaq



Series: Moments Inside and Between [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Episode 26, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide mention, caleb has a lot of issues, found and lost, pre-episode 26: found and lost ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 13:11:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15365409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aucellaq/pseuds/aucellaq
Summary: As Caleb takes the final watch on his own, he contemplates whether to leave his group behind or not, wondering why he can't do it.----This takes place in episode 26: Found and Lost, around the 3 hour mark when Caleb is on watch. It's another one of those, bending the canon just a little because i was curious to how things could have otherwise gone.





	Heart tugging him home

**Author's Note:**

> i'm leaving home real soon so i didn't have time to edit before i lose focus, so it's rough around the edges but hopefully still a fine read
> 
> warning: it gets real sad

The cold was what started the idea. Slow fall of flakes at this time of the year was not unusual, especially not as they were venturing higher north, closer to Zemnia.

 Home, that’s what Caleb was supposed to call it, no matter how his heart tugged him in a different direction, trying to escape a nightmare that never followed him, but lived inside the few moments of content he had. It always came back when he was alone, he reminded, always when he hadn’t been truly scared for a day or two. The old woman had been nice to them, and her tea given a night free from horror, but of course it couldn’t last forever.

 He slumped over, sat cross-legged, Frumpkin jumped up on his knee and stared at him, crooking her head as her large eyes drilled into his deepest thoughts.

 As he looked over his companions, he contemplated out loud what he thought of them, though in the shallowest parts of him, he knew that these damning thoughts were about himself.

 “Look at the lot of you, look at these people. I should go right now."

 He did not know Keg and Keg did not know him, and he was afraid of the secrets she had that might mingle with his. Brash and bold woman, who he had no relation to, nothing to compare to himself with except her secrets.

 Molly. The colorful and loud man with the life experience of a child, and possibly as much trauma as himself. Caleb once imagined himself buried alive, or maybe more than once, but only thought of what it was like to slowly sink into the cold earth and disappear. He never considered what waking up must have been like. For a man to become so lively as Molly after beginning life this way, Caleb could not imagine.

 Beauregard was no better. She knew too much about him and he so little about her. There was a difference between their backstories. Hers with this, predictable descent, she rolled into with her fists up. His own. The one he just, let happen. Why did he even try with her? why had he been such an idiot and let her know, to give her all the ammunition in the world to shoot out his legs first and wait with the head till he’d almost blead out.

 And Nott. Oh, Nott. She does all she can and he still couldn’t be satisfied with any of it. He should be on his knees every day thanking her for what she’s done to keep him alive, and all he could muster is a brief grunt in acknowledgement here and there, and then zoning out on her in another panic attack.

 Frumpkin budded in, worried for his mental state to go any lower. He nuzzled her under the beak, the way she usually liked it in the cat form, and seemed to enjoy as an owl too. Silently he promised to turn her back soon, but right now the wings were an advantage.

 “I should leave,” he mumbled, “I’m going to go. It’s time to go.”

 He sat for five minutes, completely still, then stood up. Glancing around, the movement hadn’t woken anyone. Frumpkin flew up on his shoulder, ready to follow wherever he led, and yet he was unmovable.

 He had everything, because there was nothing that mattered to him more than what he had under the coat, so that he could take off whenever the occasion called for it. Right now, it screamed at him to run.

 So why wasn’t he?

 They would not notice. They might even think he was taken too, and keep going in the same direction. He didn’t see why they should care about him enough to abandon the other three or the mission for the Gentleman.

 Caleb remembered the little blood vial, and wondered if that would be a problem, then shook it off. He didn’t care enough to think that far ahead. He’d deal with that outcome when it aims at him. Right now the gun was on the table, and he did not want to stick around for somebody to pick it up again.

 He should go now.

 Another five minutes passed while he stood in silence, Frumpkin patiently waiting for his movement.

 A pressure laid a heavy weight around his eyelids, and the liquid running down his cheeks was hot. Anger mingled with fear as he kept staring at his companions, regarding them, wondering why they cared enough to yell and him and apologize for it later. Why they cared so much to warn him before striking. Make sure he got food. Make sure to explain his odd behaviors to strangers.

 His oddness was on purpose. He tried so hard to make them think so little of him, and yet they’d pointed to him first thing, when looking to a new leader.

 He didn’t want it. He wanted nothing from them. He still wasn’t moving.

 Nott stirred, her long ears giving a flap each as a fly circled her. Without thinking, he wandered over, kneeled down and swapped it gently away to give her peace, but instead he woke her up.

 Her eyes blinked open slowly, and she groggily looked up at him. “Are we leaving already?”

 Caleb couldn’t stop his smile before it was too late. “Nein, you can go back to sleep.”

 “Do you think they’re okay?”

 “Wem?”

 “Jester and Fjord.” She sat up, yawning and rubbing her eyes. “And Yasha too. Do you think they’re alright, with those people? Do you think they’re hurt?”

 The worry clouding her yellow eyes made Caleb´s stomach hurt. Was this what she thought of, first thing in the morning? He asked himself, settling across from her to better sit now that a conversation had bloomed anyway.

 “I don’t know Nott,” he said sighing. “We won’t learn anything till we find them.”

 Yawning again, she nodded. “That’s true, that’s very true.”

 “Remember, though, that they’re very strong. In fact our strongest, else they wouldn’t have gone after them in the first place. Certainly, they can hold their own.”

 The clouds in her eyes parted ever so slightly, and his pain eased just a little as he ruffled her greasy hair. She pulled away from it after a second, pretending the affection bothered her.

 “I tried to talk to Keg, but it didn’t go so well.”

 He chuckled. “I heard.”

 “I just wanted to be sure we can trust her, I know how much it means to you. That you can trust people.” She spoke slowly, the way she did as she got uncertain about things, more especially how to express her feelings. “She reminds me of Beau a little – I think, in a good way.”

 “Is it good to be like Beau?”

 “Well, she can be fun to hang around, and I think she’s reliable. Who knows, maybe Keg can be reliable too, at least for a little while.”

 He nodded along, trying to understand her perspective, but finding it hard. Seen through Nott´s eyes, this team was like a clan, everyone reliable in their own way. Everyone with their own features and faults to support each other with. The only thing he could not see, was where he fit in.

 He wanted to take her with him, he decided, when he left. Soon.

 No doubt she would come, but he realized how terrible she would feel about leaving the clan behind. She’d made her own friendships with each member, bonding with them in ways Caleb hadn’t managed and never would.

 Maybe leaving her behind would be better. Like Kiki, Nott would be better off with her new family, not the random man she found in a time of distress and somehow felt obligated to follow.

 He let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know Nott. Reliability seems more like your aria of expertise … I think it’s time you went back to sleep. We have a long day of riding ahead of us in a few hours.”

 She finally agreed and laid back down, and Caleb waited a few minutes beside her until the movement of her stomach was an equal pattern. He returned to his post, letting Frumpkin take off to scout the forest for food and intruders, and she returned ten minutes later with a dead mouse.

 Caleb let her eat as he looked at the ragged team of fighters around him. “I’m going to leave you,” he said. “All of you. You will never see me again. Does that matter to you?”

 No response but a quiet hum from Molly followed by a snore before he settled in again. Caleb stared down and asked himself, does it matter to _me_?

 No response but the tugging of his heart no longer trying to pull him toward Zemnia, as he sat out the rest of his watch in silence.

**Author's Note:**

> why is this not about molly even though everything is right now and i'm a hardcore widoleaf shipper??? bc i'm litterally at this point of the ep right now and honestly i'm too afraid to watch more


End file.
